‘Why Do I Have to Feel My Feelings?’ Understanding How to Manage Difficult Emotions for Greater Self-Agency
A platter of fruit or a warm Korean stew.
These dishes represented my parents’ unspoken apologies or attempts of reconciliation with me after a conflict. Food was also an unspoken way to express their care and validation.
“I missed you” was expressed in the preparation of my favorite meal.
You may identify with your own version of the fruit platter as the model of how different emotions and feelings were expressed in your household and culture. Though such tangible items can become symbols for intangible emotions, it can also limit the processing of emotions to assumptive or avoidant behaviors.
The concept of “having to feel” your feelings seems like a paradox - sometimes you don’t want to experience feelings that automatically occur. So then what does it mean to “feel my feelings?” First, it’s important to understand the difference between emotions and feelings.
Emotions vs. Feelings
Emotions are mental states that occur through the mind’s interpretation of the body’s physiological responses to a situation (e.g., rise in stress hormones and increase in heart rate after breaking a new laptop results in anger). Feelings are subjective mental expressions of beliefs and attitudes regarding a situation (e.g., feeling frustrated and annoyed at myself for breaking my new laptop). It’s important to know the difference between emotions and feelings because we can use the emotions we experience as helpful tools to navigate our feelings regarding a situation.
I suppose that when I would receive a platter of fruit from my mom after I had been scolded or criticized, it was her way of trying to show me her feelings of care despite how harsh her external expressions of emotions (anger) may have seemed in the moment.
Despite well meaning intentions, without self-awareness of the internal processing of emotions, it can be a challenge to manage the range of emotions and feelings we experience daily. This can result in unhelpful expressions of beliefs and behaviors such as criticism, shame, self-doubt, rumination, conflicts, low self-agency, aggression, and avoidance.
No one “has to” feel their feelings. Yet, if you viewed the act of “feeling my feelings” as processing emotions and beliefs that arise in different situations, wouldn’t you want to process your emotions in a way that is helpful and sustainable for your overall mental well-being?
Below are some tips you can use if you’d like to try and cultivate a more balanced approach to managing the range of emotions you experience in your daily life.
5 Helpful Steps to Processing Your Feelings
1) Name the Emotion
Naming the emotion that you feel in a situation can help you to understand your feelings, wants, and needs.
For further insight, you can refer to the List of Emotions and Feelings
Tip: If you’re having difficulties naming your emotion(s), skip to step #2 ‘Observe the Physical Sensations’ and then return to this step.
2) Observe the Physical Sensations
Complete a body scan exercise to observe and identify any physical sensations you may be experiencing
Being aware of physical sensations related to the situation can help to guide you in grounding and relaxation techniques that help you feel safe and comforted to proceed, rather than being stuck in worry and stress
3) Identify the Thoughts and Beliefs
Identify what thoughts and beliefs come up regarding the situation
Thoughts and beliefs can be automatic statements, general observations, images of past or future events, and/or questions about the situation.
Tip: Try to remain objective and curious in thoughts and beliefs, rather than self-critical or self-blaming
4) Understand Your Feelings
Make sense of your feelings using the identified emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts about the situation from a caring and curious perspective
Example: “I understand that I feel annoyed, tense, and upset at myself for breaking my new laptop.”
5) Commit to a Balanced Response
Plan and commit to a balanced and grounded response to the situation while considering all your feelings (emotions, physical sensations, and beliefs) from a caring and constructive perspective
Example: “Next time I can make sure that I put my laptop away so that it doesn’t break. Lesson learned. Let me do a quick breathing exercise to ground myself so that I’m not stuck in anger or feeling tense when I look for repair shops.” Proceeds to do a 3-5-7 breathing exercise and compassionate imagery exercise.
Fears, Blocks, and Resistance
Like any habit, these steps take practice and consistency to become your own response. Using culturally and personally relevant phrases and actions can help you to feel more comfortable in processing your emotions.
Feel free to be creative and flexible as you explore how to make this your own - have fun with it!
