Validating Your Wants for Better Self-Esteem
Have you ever seen a child throw a tantrum in public? What do you notice about their parent’s response? Obviously, the response depends on the situation, but it is important to notice if there are open-ended questions being asked to help the child process their feelings.
You might have noticed some parents say the following:
What are you wanting?
What are you feeling?
Why do you feel this way?
How can you ask for help next time?
How can you use your words next time?
These lines of questions are important for developing awareness for the child about how they can manage and address their feelings.
Yet, imagine if some parents said the following instead:
Stop crying
You’re too sensitive
You’re being bad
Why can’t you control your emotions?
Suck it up
You’re embarrassing
Go away
You’re so annoying
What ends happening in these situations is that the child learns to associate uncomfortable emotions with a negative sense of self. Rather than developing skills to be curious and mindful about their feelings to process and address, they instead learn that difficult emotions mean that there’s something wrong with them.
Yet, emotions are neither good or bad. Emotions are merely helpful signals that tell us that we want something.
Anger? Perhaps you’re wanting fairness or respect.
Sadness? Perhaps you’re wanting something you lost.
Fear? Perhaps you’re wanting to feel safe.
Excitement? Perhaps you’re wanting to achieve or experience something.
Joy? Perhaps you’re wanting to celebrate and acknowledge a great experience.
Can you imagine the confidence someone gains when they feel able to address difficult emotions? And can you imagine the growth of self-esteem when someone is confident that they can take action using their wants? It’s like having a map to navigate a difficult terrain.
If you feel like you didn’t have the opportunities in your upbringing to be curious about your feelings, it doesn’t mean it’s too late to learn.
Learning to Validate Your Wants
It’s never too late to learn how to be curious of yourself. Learning how to be curious depends on your willingness to observe and wonder about your wants through an understanding that emotions make you human. Yet, such is easier said than done, especially with years of learned responses you have about your feelings.
The first step to growing curiosity is to practice identifying your wants through open-ended questions. When you give space to advocate for yourself by identifying and taking action regarding your wants, you build a greater sense of compassion and empathy toward your self. In creating an empowering relationship with yourself, you have opportunities to grow in self-esteem despite the situations you encounter.
